You Too Can Have The Stamina Of The Cavemen!

Here I am, updating this piece of duck vomit again, like, 6 months later. I suppose Google would send me a check every now and then if I turned the ads back on. They bugged me something right and proper.

As some of you may know, I cannot stop listening to music. I use it as a drug of sorts, influencing and reflecting moods and anxieties and as a general emotional barometer and stabilizer. I get bored very, very quickly, and as such, I listen to about a thousand different kinds of music. Well, essentially everything I listen to falls under the "rock and roll" banner, at least to me. But the variations are endless.

Although I am certainly known in most elite circles as a Rockabilly/Punk kind of guy, with certain Mod and power pop leanings, I must confess that I have long been into heavy metal. It was the first music I listened to back in my pre-teen and teen daze,in the ahem, 1980s, not to date myself, wink-wink-nudge-nudge. I have followed it with varying degrees of interest ever since. My lowest point of interest was the mid 90s "Nu Metal" phase of the genre, which was, as you know, ridiculous. I'm not even going to get into the jock haircuts, white person dreads and blow dried chest hair patches, let alone the turgid non-songs of this era. My interest in Metal was at an all time low in my 20s. While I was discovering rockabilly, 70s punk and new wave, power pop and post punk, the rest of the world was wearing red baseball caps backwards and rapping over poorly played Metallica riffs.

Within the past few years there has been a resurgence in interest, and an overall raising of the quality of, Heavy Metal music. As a result, lots of hipster kids and old jaded vets alike are jumping back on the metal bandwagon, myself included. My interest usually peaks in difficult times. For instance during a break up or a rough patch in a relationship. During a depression. When my job is killing me. When I'm broke. During a particularly vicious bout of gas. It dovetails with my interest in horror movies. In bad times, I need the escapism. I need the full body work out that the violence of the music serves up. I need the "I'm a bad ass Satan worshiping kind of fellow, indeed sir" chest puffing machismo. I also imagine that the music reminds me of the comfort and safety of my teen years, when I listened to almost exclusively metal.

Of course Heavy Metal as a genre is patently absurd. But that's the point. Metal is over the top. It is ridiculous. It is sometimes borderline retarded, if you'll forgive me the use of that word. The bottom line here is that metal helps us, it does not hurt us. And in this last year, the quality of Swedish Heavy Metal in particular has been astonishing. Below I'm going to thrust my gilded sword into a few new records that almost anyone can get into,even if you're not a metal maniac. If you are already a metal fan, you'll consider these classics in the coming years, mark my words and heed them well. Let's hold hands and discover, shall we?

GHOST- Opus Eponymous (Rise Above Records)
This is the year's big splash, the "it girl" of metal bands. Six anonymous Swedish musicians, faces hidden behind masks and hoods, got together and recorded one of the catchiest retro-70s pop metal records of all time. Is it even metal? There are some metal riffs, for sure. Is it pop? Well, it's catchy. Who are these guys? Members of Swedish bands Repugnant and In Solitude, if you're asking me to guess. In fact, the scary masked pope guy who sings is rumored to be extremely cute and snuggly Repugnant vocalist Tobias Forge, aka Mary Goore. That's kind of disappointing, as that kid is about as dangerous as a side of curly fries. Aside from his metal projects, he also has a Swedish "dream pop" solo project. Hence the super catchy and well written songs on this album, I would say. This is faux-Satanic Scooby Doo pop-black metal at it's finest. Really well played, catchy riffs married to lush pop harmonies and a super creepy, King Diamond influenced B-Movie horror atmosphere. It is really, really, really good. A work of actual genius I would say. I can't stop listening to it. (Note: above pic of Ghost Pope is by my pal Damian Saiz.)




GRAVEYARD-Hinsignen Blues (Nuclear Blast Records)
This record is so steeped in 1970s Sabbath/Blue Cheer/Mc5/Pentagram hairy white blues man sludge that it's hard to get into at first. On second or third listen, the songs start to peek out from under the greasy long locks of hair, and you're stunned at how good they are. A very, very retro affair, not a note on this sounds as if it was recorded after 1973. And it's brilliant. The lyrics, the vocals, the guitars, all perfect. The album title refers to Hinsingen, Sweden, which is apparently Sweden's version of Detroit. That is to say, a burned out once-proud factory town that is as depressed and decaying as our own American Motor City. Hence the darkness and hazy half drunk/stoned desperation of this record. "Got no friends/ Only people that I know" sings vocalist Joakim Nillson (who should pick up a stage name, like Hairy Stardumpster, or something similar)on the opening track "Ain't Fit To Live Here", while the band clatters around him like tupperware dishes thrown by the Mc5. This record sold 1,000 copies in the US the week of it's release. Not one to follow trends am I, but I find myself listening to this record quite alot these days.



IN SOLITUDE- The World. The Flesh. The Devil. (Metal Blade Records)
I am an unabashed fan of early Iron Maiden and Mercyful Fate, two bands whose shrieking vocalists, acrobatic dual guitar noises and schlocky satanic imagery has long inspired the imaginations of pimply teenage boys the world over. When I heard this record by Sweden's In Solitude, I was instantly transported back to my teenage, metal loving, trying to grow a mustache but failing miserably days of olde. Except these young Swedes actually write better songs. It's like King Diamond without the annoying falsetto vocals, and like Maiden without the annoying history buff, check your thesaurus lyrics. The overwhelming vibe here is creepiness, Satan, fog drenched moors, magic, human sacrifice, evil old black castles in the rain, leering demons and most of all, solid catchy metal riffs and melodies. The singer is only 20 years old as I write this, but it's his rich, gimmick-free vocal delivery that makes this record, along with the perfect Maiden/Fate style dual guitar riffing of the guitarists. It is rumoured that some of the guys in this band are also in masked mystery band GHOST, and it would not surprise me. The guitar styles are very, very similar. Both bands pay homage to Mercyful Fate quite impressively, but even the writing style seems similar enough that it could be true. A great record with great songs. A metal band so good that non metal people might actually take notice.



ELECTRIC WIZARD- Black Masses (Rise Above Records)
The only non Swedish band on my little metal hit parade. These long running Brits are a Doom/Stoner/Sludge Metal institution, and this record, which is their lucky seventh full length release, boils the whole doom rock mess down to a finely crafted selection of real songs. It's definitely not pop, but it is catchy. Black Sabbath is (obviously) the reference point here, the only reference point really. If you doubt this, know that lead singer/guitarist Justin Osbourne (yes, really) actually cut the tips of his fingers off a few years back ala Tony Iommi. It was "an accident". Justin has "fully recovered". The over the top Sab worship doesn't stop there. In fact the only goal here seems to be to out Sabbath Sabbath, and they do, on several occasions. The thudding, lumbering, cumbersome beat is like zombie dinosaurs dancing in a graveyard, if you can dig that, and Jus Osbourne's vocals are very much like another person whose name also happens, by "accident", to be Osbourne. Downtuned, fuzz toned, funeral dirge guitars emit noxious clouds of death-funk while the lyrics spin their B-Movie horror tales of Satan, monsters, drugs and decadence. In short, quite a good little record. In my humble opinion this is their best record, along with "Witchcult Today". It's their most focused release(which is saying alot for a stoner band)to date, and it doesn't meander and wander as much as previous records tended to. Here we have a stoner band whose ADD meds are doing wonders. Electric Wizard also features Metal's very own version of Lux And Ivy, cute married couple Jus Osbourne and his lovely wife, guitarist Liz Buckingham. They play matching Gibson SGs, they both love Sabbath and 70s horror flicks and weed, and they're married. Adorable! Buy this record if you like damp moldy graveyards, Anton LaVey, and Karen Black. Oh, and Black Sabbath.

So that's my Metal Hit Parade. I now have a playlist consisting of just these four records that I listen to on my iPod constantly. These last couple of weeks have been kinda tough on all fronts and if not for my Metal, I don't know what I would have done. Until next time, fiends!!!!!!

How to be a Well Dressed Man About Town

OK, hipsters, listen. You're doing it all wrong. I understand that modern "hipster" fashion is a jumble of various subcultural styles worn either ironically or without knowledge of the origin of said styles. Hipster fashion rapes punk, skinhead, mod, hardcore, and uh, maybe like lumberjack fashions to gather it's instantly recognizable and somewhat gross visual impact. Most of you don't know why you're wearing these things, you're just trying to look hip and pick up the dumbest possible members of the opposite sex. The idea that clothes might mean something or represent a subculture isn't a widespread notion anymore, is it?

To understand Youth Subculture and what these things mean, younguns can refer to my earlier blog, "Youth Cult Apocalypse". That will explain the various subcultures and their divergent properties to you, if you need to know. For us oldsters though, especially those of us who are sort of clothes-junkies, these modern days are a quagmire of dilemma-goo. Should we wear the clothes we've always loved, and have grown up wearing, at the risk of being misidentified as a hipster? Or should we start shopping at Wal Mart just to shake off the notion?

Hey. Calm down. Let me gently stroke your knee in a completely platonic and non creepy gesture of comfort, and whisper some options in your ear.

Here's how to be a Well Dressed Man about Town, or a WDMAT, as I like to say, without ever setting foot in an Urban Outfitters or looking too much like a V-Neck and Skinny Jean wearing hipster. The beards are coming off and the plugs are out!

ALPHA NB3 PARKA:



For the cold weather, this baby cannot be beaten for style, functionality and subcultural relevance. The Parka came to subcultural prominence in the early 60s in the UK, as worn by the glorious first and second wave Mods. The original Mod Parka was a left over WW2 US Army coat, which were easy to come by in second hand shops in the 60s, mainly because American servicemen in England during the second world war seemed to have left them behind in droves. The coat was at first a cheap way to protect the Mods' expensive tailored suits while they rode their scooters through the blustery London streets. Over time it became a fetish item, a totem of what Mod represented. This can be summed up in the catchphrase, "clean living in difficult circumstances".

While original WW2 Parkas and replicas thereof can be found online and in secondhand shops (and pricey boutiques) to this day, they are usually prohibitively expensive and aren't as warm and wonderful as they look. Alpha has solved this problem for us Mod wannabes by updating the Parka, infusing it with newer US Army technology and marrying the Parka to an old Skinhead staple, the USAF Flight jacket. The Alpha NB3 is made of the sturdy nylon based material you'd find in in their fine Alpha flight jackets,cut into a shape that resembles, but is a little shorter than, the original WW2 coats. It's a great way to look cool, represent an updated version of Mod and Skinhead styles, and stay warm. They do run rather large, so if you want a tight fit, get a size or two below your regular. I'm a petite little curmudgeon, so I had to resort to buying a Large children's parka to get the fit I was looking for. I tried several adult sizes, and they were all just too bulky and awkward.

THE WARRIOR HARRINGTON JACKET:



The Harrington Jacket, made by Barracuta, and later Ben Sherman, Fred Perry, and a host of others, was a staple of skinhead, suedehead and mod worlds, and was even worn in the 1960s by such all around cultural heroes as Steve McQueen and Elvis Presley. It's a medium to light weight men's jacket with a distinctive two button collar, a semi detached back flap and and an inner lining of tartan. I have a more modern slimfit Ben Sherman version, but my newest acquisition is by a great newer UK company called Warrior. They make a mind boggling variety of Mod and Skinhead style clothing, at low prices that a working class "bloke" can actually afford. The Warrior Harrington is cut a little boxy and can run large, but a couple of washings will bring this great jacket down in size a bit. My favorite bit is the tartan lining. It has a Lurex stripe in it, exactly like those iconic old Barracuta Harringtons of the 1960s. Let the hipsters ironically sport hideous '80s Members Only jackets(originally worn exclusively by Phil Collins fans),the true WDMAT will stick to the sharp skinhead look of the Harrington. Yeah?

BEN SHERMAN CHECK BUTTONDOWN:



Ben Sherman was originally a working class clothing company that made great shirts at fair prices in the UK. Mods and Skins picked up on their sharp designs. Over the years though, the label has come under the fire of criticism for losing touch with its Brit working class roots. Their products have become quite pricey,they are now made in China, and at times the designs have tried too hard to keep up with the times. Often the company has committed cultural blasphemy by changing traditional designs to reflect fleeting modern trends. While this is the case, Ben Sherman still offers their traditional, iconic designs, like the shirt pictured here. This is a staple of any WDMAT's wardrobe. The shirt has a high, buttowndown collar, a triangle cut out on each sleeve, and the traditional button right above said triangle. Under no circumstances should you ever unbutton the collar of a Ben Sherman. Other companies, such as the aforementioned Warrior, Fred Perry, Brutus, etc make a version of this shirt and all of those are quite stylish, but it's the Ben Sherman which remains the icon. Whether you approve of their prices, marketing and policies or not.

THE PENGUIN POLO:



Polo shirts are comfortable, stylish and affordable. The Fred Perry polo is the classic Mod/Skinhead icon, and the Ben Sherman "Romford" is great, as are the Warrior and England Belongs versions, among others. My new favorite, however is the Penguin Classic Polo. This is a 1960s design, more or less unchanged. The Rat Pack wore these, JFK reportedly had one, and Mods and Skins have revered them as a lower cost Fred Perry alternative for years as well. If you get a chance, stop into the Penguin store in NYCs Soho district, it's a much friendlier and laid back store than, say, the snotty Fred Perry store nearby.

Now onto the lower portion of your stinking carcasses...

LEVIS 501 SHRINK TO FIT JEANS:



Skinny jeans are all the rage these days, and I like them alright. The key to not looking like a spindly legged hipster is buying a pair of Levis Skinny 511s two larger than what you'd normally wear. You get the slim look without the hideous shrinkwrapped panty hose feel. While those will certainly do in a pinch, the original skinny jean from the 1960s is still available and still awesome. The Levis 501 Shrink to Fit. They really do shrink to fit, kids. If you want them very, very, very tight, buy your normal waist size. But be warned, these jeans are not the flimsy, soft denim of current Levis designs. They are thick and stiff, and they will hurt you quite badly if used incorrectly. Not for those with sensitive waists and crotches, if you're pickin' up what I'm layin' down over here. The secret to success with these classic American jeans (worn by Rockabillies, Cowboys, Mods, skinheads, Punks and everyone else in the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s) is to buy a pair exactly two sizes larger than your normal waist and inseam measurements. This is a good rule of thumb with all slim fit Levis (with the exception of 514s, which are baggier and larger than they seem), but absolutely essential with the Shrink To Fits. They do exactly what the name would suggest. Remeber the classic scene in Quadrophenia, with Jimmy traipsing around his parents living room in wet jeans, explaining that they'd dry tighter this way? Of course you do. Of course you do. For rockabillies, a thick turn-up at the cuff is the way to go. For Mods or Skins, a small one inch turn up, sewn in or ironed, is the ticket. I'm a little bit on both sides of the fence so I have various jeans cuffed in various ways. Don't be afraid to put your own spin on it. Never be a slave to a uniform.

DOC MARTENS HARPER CHELSEA 1460 BOOT:



Doc Martens have long been an essential part of the wardrobe of any punk, goth, skin, mod, grunge person, whatever. They remain durable, fashionable and timeless.
This particular boot is a new slant on the iconic 1460 that old school skinheads would never have guessed at. Take the Doc combat boot that skins love, and cross breed it with the classic Chelsea boot worn by mods, rockers, Beatles, and everybody else in the 60s, and you have the Harper. Basically it's a much more comfortable combat boot, with an elastic square at the ankle, taken from the Chelsea design. I have a pair of these in cherry red, and they are amazingly comfortable and look great. Like the Alpha NB3 parka, these are a smart update of a traditional style.

CLARK'S DESERT BOOTS:



A Mod classic. Worn by the Small Faces, The Jam, The Kinks and others, this is the ultimate dress or casual shoe. A simple leather upper on a crepe sole, this is another example of Mods adopting a military style to their own smart fashion. I am sad to say I've never owned a pair of these, but it's in the cards for sure. They are becoming quite popular these days, perhaps overly so, but that's just because they are stylish and durable.

Well, there you have it. There's your complete kit. Now you, too can be a Well Dressed Man About Town. Yes, even you.

Nick Cave Is A Horny Old Man

There's a scene late in Nick Cave's latest book that interests me a bit. The book is "Death Of Bunny Monroe", and the story follows the exploits of traveling salesman Bunny, who is clearly a sex addict of the highest or lowest order, depending on your particular slant on the subject. Bunny is married with a small boy-child, and his wife kills herself after suffering years of Bunny's infidelity. Bunny takes this as his cue to fuck more sleazy women and drink massive amounts of alcohol while dragging his child along on a drunken, womanizing, traveling sales hellride. The other things I can understand, but the traveling sales? I shiver in revulsion. The book, as you can imagine, is pretty good. The writing style has simplified quite a bit since Nick's earlier book, "And The Ass Saw The Angel" but is no less realized. You feel bad for Buddy, a completely disgusting, pathetic and selfish character, who cannot stifle his lower impulses, even when the guilt and shame is killing him. He is dragged by his penis from sleazy whore to lonely housewife to furtive masturbation and back again, and his feverish inner monologue while this happens is pretty compelling. Not to mention gross.

There is, however, this scene at the end, where Buddy rapes a junky girl while she is nodding out, perhaps overdosed, because she looks exactly like one of his sexual obsessions, one Miss Avril Lavigne. Well, there's no accounting for taste. This scene is sordid and terrible. But it's so very Nick Cave it sort of sums up everything you need to know about the book and maybe the author.

Nick Cave has been exploring themes of degradation, drugs, lust, murder, Biblical doom and squalid darkness since he fronted Boys Next Door in the late 70s and the Birthday Party in the 80s. His solo career has followed the same shame-ridden path, albeit with frequent glimpses of gorgeous redemption in the form of songs like "Straight To You" from the "Henry's Dream" album and similar gospel tinged ballads that followed. That's just my perception, but I feel like Nick has allowed more positivity to creep into his music as he's aged. He's in his mid 50s now, and seems to want, for the most part, to age gracefully in the style of someone like Leonard Cohen or Lou Reed.

His latest project, a band called Grinderman, is an even more interesting chunk of meat. Their first album explored many of Nick's usual themes, and one song from it, like that scene at the end of "Death Of Bunny", sticks out for me. It's called "No Pussy Blues" and it seems to be the tale of an aging stud who, um, can't get any. The music is a grinding, thrusting blues-fuzz wall of noise. The repeated line "she just didn't want to" is both hilarious and telling. And I must quote:

I changed the sheets on my bed
I combed the hairs across my head
I sucked in my gut and still she said
That she just didn't want to
I thought I'd try another tact
I drank a litre of Cognac
I threw her down upon her back
But she just laughed and said she just didn't want to

Perhaps Nick's most frightening lyric ever. The song begins with the lines "My face is finished, my body's gone..." what a drag it is getting old. Now, I'm sure Nick Cave, a married man mind you, and a rock star, could certainly find some willing nubile that "wanted to". The fact that he's willing to write songs like this for the rest of us though, well, that's very nice of him. I haven't really ever had any problem getting female attention, my ego insists I tell you. However as someone who is pushing forty (pushing VERY hard)I can relate to the disintegration of one's face and body. And my back always hurts. Always. And the bunions! Nevermind me though.

Nick had this to say about the song: "As our dreams and desires are hung on the butcher's hook of rampant consumerism, and the mirage and the illusion and the Nike trainers are served up on the trembling quim of an impossibly nubile girl-thing, No Pussy Blues tells it like it is. It is the child standing goggle-eyed at the cake shop window, as the shop-owner, in his plastic sleeves, barricades the door and turns the sign to "CLOSED". It is the howl in the dark of the Everyman."

Anyone who can use "quim" correctly in a sentence is cool beans with this rodeo clown. And that quote could also be used to describe "The Death Of Bunny Monroe" in it's entirety. So it ties together, does it not.? Consumerism, aging, sex, impulse,trembling quims. Now we get it.

Grinderman have a new album out, simply called Grinderman 2,and it is awesome. It's equal parts the Stooges, Howlin' Wolf and the Birthday Party, with some great raucous ugly guitar noise and the expected emotive gospel tinged ballad thrown in for good measure (pretty much every NC album since "The Good Son" has had one of these, and they usually end up being my favorite songs on the album because he doesn't seem to be playing a character in the lyrics. It seems to be the real Nick Cave singing, with the exception of the awesome "Nobody's Baby Now", which is another murder ballad). The lyrical voice is still there, and I for one am glad to hear the revival of Nick's hilarious yelps and howls, guttural sounds interjected into the noise that he hasn't really done much since the Birthday Party. I guess a good blues riff played on a fuzzed out bass guitar can bring out the inner Iggy in anyone.

"Mickey Mouse and the Goodbye Man" kicks of the record in a very Iggy/Morrison state of mind, with the aforementioned distorted bass snaking through a burnt out hallucination that may or may not be somewhat Biblical in undercurrent.

There's a vagueness to some of the lyrics, maybe an impressionism, that lets the listener throw their own subconscious garbage onto the meaning of the song. Like this snip from "When My Baby Comes":

Thank God we don't get all our hurts at once
That would be a really bad thing
When my baby comes
Thank God we don't get all our olds at one time
(Listen to me talking in my hospital gown!)
When my baby comes
Is there anyone out there wasted their lives?
On booze drugs husbands wives and making money?
When my baby comes

This might have a specific meaning to it's author but unless you're a 54 year old Australian alternative rock star (no, not Rick Springfield) you might have to think about that one for a minute. To me it's about aging, again, and the comfort of loved ones, or the lack of comfort of loved ones and the other things we devote our short lives to. To you, I dunno.

More straight forward, maybe, is "Worm Tamer", one of my faves:

You know they call my girl the worm tamer
She cracks lightning like a vipers' tongue
She leaves me every night and who could blame her
I guess that I've just loved you for too long

You know they call my baby the Mambo Rider
I cry storms of tears til the rising of the dawn
You know I'm only happy when I'm inside her
I guess that I've just loved you far too long

The longing, self deprecation and desperation here, as well as the putting on a pedestal of ones' loved one are intensely obvious. Whether he's talking about a lover or a god or an addiction, it's not so easy to tell. I hope it's all of those things. There's voodoo imagery and a semi-Bo Diddley beat and some irritating electronic noises and I like it quite a bit. Nick mumbles the lyrics like he's got a mouthful of brie cheese.

The record in it's entirety is full of blues references, musically and lyrically, and the electronic bleeps and static wails serve to modernize that timeless feel. It's blues as seen through Iggy and Morrison and Velvet Underground-colored glasses.

Well you have to be glad that people like Nick Cave still exist. That there is more out there than your Lady Ga-Ga and your Brendan Flowers or whatever's out there these days, I confess I don't really know. I've listened to nothing but the Jesus And Mary Chain for years, while poking myself in the balls with dirty forks. What I'm saying is, Nick Cave is cool. And he's old. And so am I. And probably, so are you. So put that in your iPod and listen to it all day.